So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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