youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
