The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
