do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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