Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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