Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
