I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
