My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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