Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
