Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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