thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
