OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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