JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The feeling are messing with the penis
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm getting married
To pizza
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
