I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
