hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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