So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
