i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
