Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
