Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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