You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
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I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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