Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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