Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
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He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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