dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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