i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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