so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
