so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
