dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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