Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
