i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
