just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
