i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
