I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
