Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
