True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
