i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
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