like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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