gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
