I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
