I puked a lego.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
