I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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