So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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