Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
