My liver just broke up with me...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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