dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
