Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We're too hungover to prance.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
