a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
