My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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