Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
