A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
