Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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