I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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