Im at strip club and am horny
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
