Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
