Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
