I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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