I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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