I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
