Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
